Svedka: "Make Cocktails, not War!"

The risky decision to combine politics and cocktails has been avoided by any good bartender. We maintain a status of “armed neutrality” in our own alcoholic Switzerland. Tempted to intervene at times and set the record straight, veteran bartenders obstain, recognizing that patrons do not want a margarita garnished with a side of political jackassary. The rim is already salty enough!

The only exception is when a guest articulates a view so ridiculous that it must be corrected to maintain the sanctity of the bar. The political “expert” is usually drunk and unaware of his annoying behavior. The bartender enters into a specific social contract when intervening in the political conversation. We sacrifice our tip to win the political battle. The nature of this relationship demonstrates why bartenders usually maintain their neutral status. Engaging the enemy is bad for business.

Nevetheless, mixing cocktails and politics must, at times, occur, resulting in a taste more bitter than Campari. Svedka vodka appears to be engaging its own drunken counterpart: George W.Bush. However, instead of uttering a snide comment, the company offers a cocktail. The strategy is intriguing. Quelling a political rival with additional cocktails may incapacitate an individual’s political ramblings, but can cocktails stop war? We must remember the past experiences of our Commander in Chief; the President is no lightweight. This is going to take a large amount of vodka!

Perhaps, Svedka is suggesting a new battlefront tactic – provide cocktails to the insurgency. Instead of firing back, offer a Cosmopolitan. This would require some additional training however, as most drafted bartenders would simply make a glass of cranberry jucie with a touch triple sec, vodka, and Rose’s lime. Sadly, this has the potential to escalate the conflict. It is also important to remember the religious practices of the insurgency as well. This approach might have worked with the Germans, but this is a new age.

We can also safely assume that Svedka would like to use its own product in its cocktail military proposal; after all, defense contracts can be very profitable. Some rumors are already circulating about a new cocktail called the Halliburton. Minimally, Svedka would need to provide a product that could be mixed in a variety of forms to please varying tastes. Svedka vodka is nothing special. It mixes well like most vodkas. It’s not great or offensive; the Svedka cocktail might help resolve the conflict. God help us though if they use their flavored vodkas. The use of Svedka raspberry is likely to inspire any remaining Iraqi support to quickly shift sides. With such risks, the Svedka cocktail military plan looks too dangerous. But, hey, at least it was a plan – go figure!

I guess all hope for winning the war rests on Svedkas backup weapon – the seemingly friendly Svedka_grl. She may seem nice, but not only is she distracting in weird, mechanic way, the “_grl” packs quite a punch! It will be like iRobot all over again. Wait, does this imply Svedka’s image is a rip-off of another bad Will Smith movie? Sarcasm here? Never! While releasing an army of Svedka_grls is tempting and probably would be more effective than current approaches, the basic issue is not the war – it’s that a man named George W. Bush decided to stop drinking so he could become the President. A few more cocktails could have changed the course of history - remember that when you’re making your own!

Svedka might be on some weird path to peace, but what do I know? I’m just the bartender; I have no opinions on politics.