The Agony of Bartending in Texas

As I write this post, I am in the process of completing an online course to obtain my Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission certification for serving alcohol. This course has to be one of the most asinine things I have ever undertaken in my entire life. I understand the importance of educating individuals who serve alcohol about state laws and standards for maintaining public safety, but this method for meeting this goal is just ridiculous. It makes me want to drink and break all the laws it is describing. Stone IPA here I come!

There are several reasons why this certification program is ridiculous. Let’s begin with the fact that it forces me to spend a MINIMUM of 200 minutes staring at these screens. I could seriously read the information passing across the slides in about 15 seconds, but it forces me to stay on the screen for an average of about 1-1 1/2 minutes depending on the length of information on each slide. Seriously, I could read the slides 4 times if I wanted to before I would be allowed to proceed. This type of timing is not educational, and in fact, is likely to only frustrate participants (like myself) and result in a loss of interest all together. Some might even begin writing blog posts as a way to pass the time.

Some of these pictures are astounding! Before I was as aggravated as I am now, these were actually keeping me focused because they are just so comical. Where did they get some of these images and what in the world do they have to do with training me to serve alcohol responsibly?

For example, it is illegal to serve “an insane person” in the State of Texas by law. I’d like to know how to enforce this first of all (never answered). But, I can’t believe they deemed it necessary to have a visual for this slide:

Man, I am only 44% done - there’s a convenient counter to let you know how far you have to go and how much more pain you must endure. I want to throw my computer across the room! At least there could be a good game on, but this Bengals/Steelers game with its challenges and fumbles every play is dragging almost as badly as these slides.

The most outlandish thing about all of this is that at the end of each unit, I am forced to take a quiz and cannot move on unless I pass with 100%. I have yet to miss a question and haven’t read any of the slides, except for the first ten when I was realizing how long I would be kept on each page. Obviously, I know this stuff, making this entire activity unnecessary.

Eventually, this is going to end, and I will have to take a final exam which covers all of the material included in the course. Why can I not just take this test now? This would make sense to me. If the goal of the certification is simply to guarantee that I understand the laws and my responsibilities, why not test me and then if I fail force me to take the course? If I pass, why would I need to do this?

If you are due for getting re-certified for serving alcohol in the State of Texas, here are some suggestions:

1) Pay someone else to do it; it will be worth it. Maybe use a little brother or something.
2) Drink the whole way through it. It is the only way to make this bearable.
3) Only drink beer; refuse the temptation to move towards that bottle of scotch because you will drink too much of it that you won’t know when to click the buttons anymore. At least with beer, you can maintain some level of attentiveness.
4) Rent a movie; don’t rely on the game.
5) Just don’t do it; lie ot your employer and tell them you have. Only do it if they say, “Ok, seriously, if you don’t do this tomorrow, we are going to have to fire you.” Then see if you can negotiate.
6) Move out of state.
7) Spend less time making a counterfeit certificate.
Ok, drink the scotch.

This is just one example of how ridiculous Texas laws can be. I am going to continue with my training and move on from my rant now. T.A.B.C., you make me sick!

Update Note (Hours Later):

Yeah!