Why Vodka Sucks

Disclaimer: In case it wasn’t painfully obvious, if you like drinking vodka, you probably won’t like reading this. And for the record, I still think you are an okay person if you do. I just had to put this disclaimer up here because most vodka consumers have trouble understanding the painfully obvious, namely, that vodka sucks. Yes, I am in a mood.

In case you haven’t heard, spirits connoisseur P. Diddy has recently struck a deal with global spirits leviathan Diageo to promote Ciroc vodka. I have had some trouble finding the specific terms of the deal available anywhere on the net, but the vague descriptions that do exist state that P. Diddy has the potential to make about $100 million dollars for taking partial control of Ciroc’s American marketing. According to Diageo, P. Diddy is going to assist in focusing the brand on the “art of celebration”. If this sounds ridiculous, you may need to consider the vodka market a bit more. Not only is this campaign likely to be successful, but I think P. Diddy may be getting ripped off here.

The rap community has significantly contributed to the brand notoriety of several major alcohol brands, including Courvoisier, Cristal, and Belvedere Vodka. While each of these labels where well established before they became staples in thoughtless rap lyrics, sales of brands mentioned in music jumped significantly after being mentioned in popular lyrics. For example, following the release of “Pass the Courvoisier Part Two”, sales of the cognac increased 33%. Perhaps, Busta Rhymes was just expressing his long found love affair with a quality cognac, but amidst a recent appearance on The Game’s title track single, The Doctor’s Advocate, a song which, glamorizes Belvedere and banana schnapps (yum!), I have to say I am skeptical of Busta’s palate. Nevertheless, following the impact of this song in particular, spirits marketing execs everywhere instantly became rap fans.

Recently, however, rappers, such as Jay-Z have lashed out against labels such as Cristal for not embracing their contributions to sales improvements, even going so far as to start buy their own brands, such as Armadale. Consequently, the marketing relationship between alcohol brands and famous rappers seems to have transitioned from lyrical marketing handouts to spirits Execs “straight outta compton”. Oddly, however, this growing relationship seems to have only taken hold in the vodka market. For whatever reason, brands like Courvoisier, are hesitant to hand over their centuries old reputations to this year’s most popular Lil’. If Biggie and 2Pac were still around, things might be different, but with hip-hip reduced to a landscape of flavorless and talent-lacking imitators, vodka promotion seems all to appropriate. The mere existence of a promotional relationship between the rap community and vodka companies, shows why vodka sucks. Name one scotch that would benefit from Diddy’s participation in their marketing department. The only reason why vodka continues to get a good rap from the music industry is because most vodka drinkers are a fickle sort who will drink just about whatever they think is popular or are persuaded to consume under false pretenses of quality and luxury. OOO! There it was; vodka experts get mad.

I have given my opinions about vodka before. I think it is ridiculous that the spirit which contains the least diversity and quality differentials among bottlings receives the most attention and brand loyalty. This does not dispute that there are differences in quality among different types of vodka, but it does question whether those differences are worth discussing. I’d like to bartend in a world where people understood what they were drinking and didn’t spend time obsessing about a preference determined by which brand accumulated the most media attention. And, if you are one of those, “But I know the difference between vodka brands and I drink it straight” type people, congratulations, you’ve spent time deciphering between something that strives to be odorless and tasteless. Think of all the money and time you could have spent on scotch, or wine, or beer, or something with some flavor; oh well, whatever makes you happy. I know this is never going to happen, and from time to time, I embrace the Skyy and tonic because it gives me the opportunity to really focus on a great drink for a guest who will get so much more out of their Vanilla-Cardamom Gastrique Sidecar. But, right now, this whole P. Diddy thing has got me all worked up. That’s it; I am just going to say what every self-respecting serious cocktail crafting bartender wants to, but hasn’t:

I WANT TO BARTEND AT A BAR THAT DOESN’T CARRY VODKA!

Man, wouldn’t that be awesome? Imagine it gin would rule the bar and vodka patrons would be forced to drink something with complexity and dimensions. Grey Goose enthusiasts would find that spending $8.50 on a drink is so much better when it actually tastes like $8.50. Think of the guest who approaches my pipe dream vodkaless bar:

P. Diddy Lover: Can I get a Vodka Red Bull straight up on the rocks? And, let me get some Ciroc with that. I can’t handle that other stuff.

The Vodka Abolitionist: I am sorry sir, we don’t serve vodka (or Red Bull) here. Can I offer you one of our exquisite house cocktails instead?

P. Diddy Lover: What you don’t serve vodka? What kind of bar is this? Not even P. Diddy’s vodka? Are you serious, but it’s made from grapes?

The Vodka Abolitionist: Actually sir, we have some fine spirits made from grapes that aren’t afraid to call themselves an eau die vie, pisco or brandy, and we use them each in great drinks. How about you let me make you a pisco sour, and if you don’t like it, I’ll let you move on down the road to the next P. Diddy vodka house without paying for it at all?

P. Diddy Lover: Okay, but I don’t like anything but P. Diddy’s finest.

***2 Minutes later, following a bit of hesitation at the sight of an egg being cracked…

P. Diddy Lover: Hey, man this pretty good. What did you say you called this? What else can you make?

The Vodka Abolitionist: See there’s a reason why JLo left him, and before you ask, no, I can’t change the music only your understanding of drinks. Let me show something else…

Hey, a bartender can dream can’t he? Alright, I think I got my monthly vodka rant out of my system. I feel much better and can now be a little more objective and fair. Yes, vodka does serve a purpose, and I always have some in my house. I prefer to buy Tito’s because I like to support micro-distilleries, but I generally use it as a preservative for syrups or turn it into a liqueur or infusion, knowing that I am still getting ripped off by paying this much for vodka and using it for these purposes. Additionally, I think some good flavored vodkas are made, namely Van Gogh makes some quality flavored vodkas in my opinion. I really like the Double Espresso. Finally, if you want to drink a “vodka” made from grapes (which isn’t a vodka in my opinion, it’s an eau di vie) because you enjoy what actually is a noticeable difference in this variety of “vodka”, try Roth Vodka. It is a better “grape vodka” and, if you live in the states, is cheaper than Ciroc because it is made domestically from Napa Valley grapes. However, none of these less-harsh comments about vodka really changes anything. I am sticking to my claims that vodka sucks, and I would like to bartend somewhere that didn’t serve it.

Sorry Diddy.

 

Note: I will embrace the title “The Vodka Abolitionist” should you see it necessary to refer to me as such in the future.