The Bartender’s Life

I just want to take a moment to clarify what it is actually like to be a bartender. I can’t tell you how many times people tell me every week that being a bartender has some how made me some sort of jigalo that people tip tremendously because I pass drinks across a counter. To be honest, I am kind of sick of this and other stereotypes involving my chosen career. Read more

Booze and Kids

The other day, in Eric Asimov’s column for the New York Times, he wrote about a subject that rings near and dear to my heart—the ongoing discussion of alcohol’s place in the family. Read more

The Agony of Bartending in Texas

As I write this post, I am in the process of completing an online course to obtain my Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission certification for serving alcohol. This course has to be one of the most asinine things I have ever undertaken in my entire life. I understand the importance of educating individuals who serve alcohol about state laws and standards for maintaining public safety, but this method for meeting this goal is just ridiculous. It makes me want to drink and break all the laws it is describing. Stone IPA here I come!

There are several reasons why this certification program is ridiculous. Let’s begin with the fact that it forces me to spend a MINIMUM of 200 minutes staring at these screens. I could seriously read the information passing across the slides in about 15 seconds, but it forces me to stay on the screen for an average of about 1-1 1/2 minutes depending on the length of information on each slide. Seriously, I could read the slides 4 times if I wanted to before I would be allowed to proceed. This type of timing is not educational, and in fact, is likely to only frustrate participants (like myself) and result in a loss of interest all together. Some might even begin writing blog posts as a way to pass the time.

Some of these pictures are astounding! Before I was as aggravated as I am now, these were actually keeping me focused because they are just so comical. Where did they get some of these images and what in the world do they have to do with training me to serve alcohol responsibly?

For example, it is illegal to serve “an insane person” in the State of Texas by law. I’d like to know how to enforce this first of all (never answered). But, I can’t believe they deemed it necessary to have a visual for this slide:

Man, I am only 44% done - there’s a convenient counter to let you know how far you have to go and how much more pain you must endure. I want to throw my computer across the room! At least there could be a good game on, but this Bengals/Steelers game with its challenges and fumbles every play is dragging almost as badly as these slides.

The most outlandish thing about all of this is that at the end of each unit, I am forced to take a quiz and cannot move on unless I pass with 100%. I have yet to miss a question and haven’t read any of the slides, except for the first ten when I was realizing how long I would be kept on each page. Obviously, I know this stuff, making this entire activity unnecessary.

Eventually, this is going to end, and I will have to take a final exam which covers all of the material included in the course. Why can I not just take this test now? This would make sense to me. If the goal of the certification is simply to guarantee that I understand the laws and my responsibilities, why not test me and then if I fail force me to take the course? If I pass, why would I need to do this?

If you are due for getting re-certified for serving alcohol in the State of Texas, here are some suggestions:

1) Pay someone else to do it; it will be worth it. Maybe use a little brother or something.
2) Drink the whole way through it. It is the only way to make this bearable.
3) Only drink beer; refuse the temptation to move towards that bottle of scotch because you will drink too much of it that you won’t know when to click the buttons anymore. At least with beer, you can maintain some level of attentiveness.
4) Rent a movie; don’t rely on the game.
5) Just don’t do it; lie ot your employer and tell them you have. Only do it if they say, “Ok, seriously, if you don’t do this tomorrow, we are going to have to fire you.” Then see if you can negotiate.
6) Move out of state.
7) Spend less time making a counterfeit certificate.
Ok, drink the scotch.

This is just one example of how ridiculous Texas laws can be. I am going to continue with my training and move on from my rant now. T.A.B.C., you make me sick!

Update Note (Hours Later):

Yeah!

“Cocktail Condoms” and the Bartending STD’s

I usually don’t discuss mainstream news coverage on bars and cocktails, but I just couldn’t resist this and have been wanting to talk devote some time to educating my readers about the threats of Bartender STD’s. Apparently, a guy in Boston has created a laytex-type layer to cover your drink. People who use what is being called the “cocktail condom” can seemingly leave their drink unattended and return to the drink later; if the latex layer has been punctured, then it is obvious that the cocktail has been tampered with an shouldn’t be consumed. The condoms can tolerate being punctured by a straw while still retaining its form and keeping date rape drugs out. The inventor wants cities to pass ordinances requiring the condom and argues that beer and liquor companies could even advertise on them, cutting any costs for the bars.

Americans using condoms?

Our nation’s failure to utilize the condom effectively currently is certain to doom the prospects of this invention from the start, but other issues show that this concept is extremely flawed. Some critics are dead on when suggesting that this effectively turns my cocktail into a kiddie cup. Why don’t I just bring in a freaking thermos and a fruit rollup? I can’t imagine my Martini with a lid on it, though one wonders whether it would help keep the drink cold. Either way, I’m not drinking my Martini out of a straw. And, I know that to appreciate the complexity of a Miller Lite I need to sip it through a thin, elongated cylinder of plastic – that its what the guys at the World Beer Cup, did when they gave Miller Lite those four banners I see on television ads everday did right? Either way, I just don’t feel comfortable with the straw (or the beer).

We don’t need condoms for our drinks, only our beds! Be careful with your drinks and stay away from bars where there are too many people to keep up with. Doing this will not only prevent you from being a victim, it will also help you to find better bars and superior drinks. Further, these cocktails condom may keep the drugs away, but the STD’s of bartending (Sweet, Terrible, Drinks) will still get through. Here are few known cases –

“Cocktail Warts” – These wartlike projections found rimming cocktail glasses are usually caused by drink rimmers which have not been washed in months. Salty clumps form from the ongoing combination of salt and Roses lime juice, which find their way onto your glass. Instead of providing a cocktail garnish, these cocktail warts carry mold and an ungodly unnatural combination of salt and sugar.

“Gonorrhea” – Pronounced “goner-er-ria”, this bartending plague known as shots is “gone” in a matter of seconds, but it will likely reappear over the next few hours. Symptoms include excessive vomiting and strong headaches.

“PUBic Lice” – This parasite of pubs everywhere results from excessive fruit flies, or crabs which love the taste of alcohol as much as we do. They find their ways into bottles and flow into your drink. Frequently, unnoticed, they are harmful but when found symptoms of disgust and selective protein consumtionitis result.

“The Clap” – For whatever reason, bartenders across the world seem to think that consumers love their hands all over their ice and glass rims. I know I enjoy my Old Fashioneds with muddle fingernail grit, but that should be optional. Instead, numerous diseases are transferred by the clap in an effort to pack glasses with ice. This disease is the most prevalent and dangerous of all bartender STD’s.

If you want to avoid the Bartender STD’s, you don’t need a cocktail condom; you just need a good knowledge of quality bartending practices. Keep reading this blog for more information on how to avoid the terrible consequences of infected bartenders. For additional information, be sure to check out the blogs listed to your right. Specifically, Jeffery Morgenthaler’s blog has some of the best bartender commentary on the net. I’m pretty sure he’s clean, so you can trust him for more information. Failing to find good bars can put you at risk for these drugs and types of situation. Relying on the cocktail condom only puts you at greater risk.

Fundamentally, the biggest problem with the cocktail condom is that it doesn’t even work. This might make me sound like I’ve thought of ways to bypass the condom too much, but it really is kind of obvious. Let’s pretend, I am Mr. Rapist, and I want to drug the girl turning 21 because she has already had too many drinks to let me engage her with conversation, something that otherwise would never happen. She needs to go to the restroom and summons enough courage to put on a cocktail condom in front of me. After acting insulted, I simply order another drink drop the roofie and put on another cocktail condom, that the bar must legally provide (so they all look the same). If anything, the cocktail condom helps my rapist endeavors and lulls my victims into a false sense of security. The girl comes back sees my planted Vodka Red Bull concoction with an intact condom and consumes the drink. Aside from experiencing the horrible consequences of choosing this drink in the first place (check out Darcy’ post on Vodka Red Bull at The Art of Drink), the girl has made a terrible mistake. The cocktail condom fails, and like any condom that fails, pregnancy and disease may result.

While this post has included some humor, rape is a very serious issue that needs social attention and safety proposals, but considering actions like making the cocktail condom mandatory in all bars is not the answer. Universities and bars nationwide need to invest more money into educating students, especially women, about the dangers and prevalence of date rape drugs. If education seems hopeless and you still want bars to carry date rape prevention products, consider a date rape prevention coaster. These coasters allow individuals to place a small drip of their beverage on the coaster. The coaster chemically reacts to substances found in common date rape drugs and changes colors; simple and effective. Coasters or condoms? You take your pick; just watch out for the clap! I can’t shake mine it shows up wherever I go.

Photo & Additional Information Sources:
ABC NEWS & The Pitt News

Last Day at the Bar

I just finished my last day at the bar on Saturday. I started working at the bar when it opened and have enjoyed watching it grow from infancy. The pleasure of interacting with a great group of co-workers and some fabulous guests is something that I will never forget and treasure. I hope that as time moves on each person that I had the opportunity to meet through the bar stays in touch. It is easy to forget what makes this industry great. We become caught up in the moment, ignoring the finality of the situation. However, eventually, we must confront our departure and recognize that it is time to move on. I am glad that in my moment of reflection, I realize that I made some lifelong friends and learned more about the bar business than at any other place I worked at. I just want to say thank you to all the people who collectively changed my life and shaped my future.

Earth Day Is Tomorrow; Recycle Your Bottles

I am out of town today; so I am writing while on my trip to see the Chicago Cubs play at Wrigley Field! I want to make sure I have daily posts on this blog, so I just wanted to make a few notes about the importance of tomorrow. As our hobby involves the consumption and mixing of liquids that come in glass bottles, our ability to change our lifestyles, or educate others, about the recycling of glass bottles can make a dramatic impact on the environment.

Recycling just one beer bottle has the potential to save enough energy to boil 5 cups of water. Virtually every common type of alcoholic beverage bottle (beer bottles, wine bottles, and liquor bottles) can be recycled. Some people find recycling to be an inconvenience, but if you are consuming enough bottles to make recycling a burden, you might have other problems. Storing the occasionally emptied bottle in bins in the garage is easy and requires only a short walk in your home and a monthly trip to a recycling center, which can usually be found at a local grocery store.

If you work in a bar, the potential for making an impact is enormous. The Glass Packaging Institute (GPI) has created several online tools for helping bars change to environmentally friendly businesses. This may take some additional effort, but with the right structure bars can easily meet recycling goals. Additionally, GPI points out that bars that have implemented these procedures have been able to market themselves as ecologically focused businesses, providing another reason for customers to return. The benefits for recycling at your bar dramatically outweigh the disadvantages. Earth Day is tomorrow; make a change for the better!

Svedka: "Make Cocktails, not War!"

The risky decision to combine politics and cocktails has been avoided by any good bartender. We maintain a status of “armed neutrality” in our own alcoholic Switzerland. Tempted to intervene at times and set the record straight, veteran bartenders obstain, recognizing that patrons do not want a margarita garnished with a side of political jackassary. The rim is already salty enough!

The only exception is when a guest articulates a view so ridiculous that it must be corrected to maintain the sanctity of the bar. The political “expert” is usually drunk and unaware of his annoying behavior. The bartender enters into a specific social contract when intervening in the political conversation. We sacrifice our tip to win the political battle. The nature of this relationship demonstrates why bartenders usually maintain their neutral status. Engaging the enemy is bad for business.

Nevetheless, mixing cocktails and politics must, at times, occur, resulting in a taste more bitter than Campari. Svedka vodka appears to be engaging its own drunken counterpart: George W.Bush. However, instead of uttering a snide comment, the company offers a cocktail. The strategy is intriguing. Quelling a political rival with additional cocktails may incapacitate an individual’s political ramblings, but can cocktails stop war? We must remember the past experiences of our Commander in Chief; the President is no lightweight. This is going to take a large amount of vodka!

Perhaps, Svedka is suggesting a new battlefront tactic – provide cocktails to the insurgency. Instead of firing back, offer a Cosmopolitan. This would require some additional training however, as most drafted bartenders would simply make a glass of cranberry jucie with a touch triple sec, vodka, and Rose’s lime. Sadly, this has the potential to escalate the conflict. It is also important to remember the religious practices of the insurgency as well. This approach might have worked with the Germans, but this is a new age.

We can also safely assume that Svedka would like to use its own product in its cocktail military proposal; after all, defense contracts can be very profitable. Some rumors are already circulating about a new cocktail called the Halliburton. Minimally, Svedka would need to provide a product that could be mixed in a variety of forms to please varying tastes. Svedka vodka is nothing special. It mixes well like most vodkas. It’s not great or offensive; the Svedka cocktail might help resolve the conflict. God help us though if they use their flavored vodkas. The use of Svedka raspberry is likely to inspire any remaining Iraqi support to quickly shift sides. With such risks, the Svedka cocktail military plan looks too dangerous. But, hey, at least it was a plan – go figure!

I guess all hope for winning the war rests on Svedkas backup weapon – the seemingly friendly Svedka_grl. She may seem nice, but not only is she distracting in weird, mechanic way, the “_grl” packs quite a punch! It will be like iRobot all over again. Wait, does this imply Svedka’s image is a rip-off of another bad Will Smith movie? Sarcasm here? Never! While releasing an army of Svedka_grls is tempting and probably would be more effective than current approaches, the basic issue is not the war – it’s that a man named George W. Bush decided to stop drinking so he could become the President. A few more cocktails could have changed the course of history - remember that when you’re making your own!

Svedka might be on some weird path to peace, but what do I know? I’m just the bartender; I have no opinions on politics.