Sex and the City’s #@%^ing Cosmopolitans

That damn movie has everybody asking for cosmopolitans. I love turning people into cocktail enthusiasts, but man, I might not be able to take this much longer. Not only that, but when a proper cosmo is presented before these Sarah Jessica Parker wanna-bes, they question the validity of the drink because it doesn’t look like the radioactive pink drinks on HBO. Ok, if we’re going to do cosmos everyone, let’s do this right… Read more

Rattlesnake Infused Vodka…Seriously

Well, it’s official; the flavored vodka plague has gone as far as it can. Last Thursday, the Texas Alcholic Beverage Commission seized over 400 bottles of rattlesnake-infused vodka. Don’t believe me? Read more

Why Vodka Sucks

Disclaimer: In case it wasn’t painfully obvious, if you like drinking vodka, you probably won’t like reading this. And for the record, I still think you are an okay person if you do. I just had to put this disclaimer up here because most vodka consumers have trouble understanding the painfully obvious, namely, that vodka sucks. Yes, I am in a mood.

In case you haven’t heard, spirits connoisseur P. Diddy has recently struck a deal with global spirits leviathan Diageo to promote Ciroc vodka. I have had some trouble finding the specific terms of the deal available anywhere on the net, but the vague descriptions that do exist state that P. Diddy has the potential to make about $100 million dollars for taking partial control of Ciroc’s American marketing. According to Diageo, P. Diddy is going to assist in focusing the brand on the “art of celebration”. If this sounds ridiculous, you may need to consider the vodka market a bit more. Not only is this campaign likely to be successful, but I think P. Diddy may be getting ripped off here.

The rap community has significantly contributed to the brand notoriety of several major alcohol brands, including Courvoisier, Cristal, and Belvedere Vodka. While each of these labels where well established before they became staples in thoughtless rap lyrics, sales of brands mentioned in music jumped significantly after being mentioned in popular lyrics. For example, following the release of “Pass the Courvoisier Part Two”, sales of the cognac increased 33%. Perhaps, Busta Rhymes was just expressing his long found love affair with a quality cognac, but amidst a recent appearance on The Game’s title track single, The Doctor’s Advocate, a song which, glamorizes Belvedere and banana schnapps (yum!), I have to say I am skeptical of Busta’s palate. Nevertheless, following the impact of this song in particular, spirits marketing execs everywhere instantly became rap fans.

Recently, however, rappers, such as Jay-Z have lashed out against labels such as Cristal for not embracing their contributions to sales improvements, even going so far as to start buy their own brands, such as Armadale. Consequently, the marketing relationship between alcohol brands and famous rappers seems to have transitioned from lyrical marketing handouts to spirits Execs “straight outta compton”. Oddly, however, this growing relationship seems to have only taken hold in the vodka market. For whatever reason, brands like Courvoisier, are hesitant to hand over their centuries old reputations to this year’s most popular Lil’. If Biggie and 2Pac were still around, things might be different, but with hip-hip reduced to a landscape of flavorless and talent-lacking imitators, vodka promotion seems all to appropriate. The mere existence of a promotional relationship between the rap community and vodka companies, shows why vodka sucks. Name one scotch that would benefit from Diddy’s participation in their marketing department. The only reason why vodka continues to get a good rap from the music industry is because most vodka drinkers are a fickle sort who will drink just about whatever they think is popular or are persuaded to consume under false pretenses of quality and luxury. OOO! There it was; vodka experts get mad.

I have given my opinions about vodka before. I think it is ridiculous that the spirit which contains the least diversity and quality differentials among bottlings receives the most attention and brand loyalty. This does not dispute that there are differences in quality among different types of vodka, but it does question whether those differences are worth discussing. I’d like to bartend in a world where people understood what they were drinking and didn’t spend time obsessing about a preference determined by which brand accumulated the most media attention. And, if you are one of those, “But I know the difference between vodka brands and I drink it straight” type people, congratulations, you’ve spent time deciphering between something that strives to be odorless and tasteless. Think of all the money and time you could have spent on scotch, or wine, or beer, or something with some flavor; oh well, whatever makes you happy. I know this is never going to happen, and from time to time, I embrace the Skyy and tonic because it gives me the opportunity to really focus on a great drink for a guest who will get so much more out of their Vanilla-Cardamom Gastrique Sidecar. But, right now, this whole P. Diddy thing has got me all worked up. That’s it; I am just going to say what every self-respecting serious cocktail crafting bartender wants to, but hasn’t:

I WANT TO BARTEND AT A BAR THAT DOESN’T CARRY VODKA!

Man, wouldn’t that be awesome? Imagine it gin would rule the bar and vodka patrons would be forced to drink something with complexity and dimensions. Grey Goose enthusiasts would find that spending $8.50 on a drink is so much better when it actually tastes like $8.50. Think of the guest who approaches my pipe dream vodkaless bar:

P. Diddy Lover: Can I get a Vodka Red Bull straight up on the rocks? And, let me get some Ciroc with that. I can’t handle that other stuff.

The Vodka Abolitionist: I am sorry sir, we don’t serve vodka (or Red Bull) here. Can I offer you one of our exquisite house cocktails instead?

P. Diddy Lover: What you don’t serve vodka? What kind of bar is this? Not even P. Diddy’s vodka? Are you serious, but it’s made from grapes?

The Vodka Abolitionist: Actually sir, we have some fine spirits made from grapes that aren’t afraid to call themselves an eau die vie, pisco or brandy, and we use them each in great drinks. How about you let me make you a pisco sour, and if you don’t like it, I’ll let you move on down the road to the next P. Diddy vodka house without paying for it at all?

P. Diddy Lover: Okay, but I don’t like anything but P. Diddy’s finest.

***2 Minutes later, following a bit of hesitation at the sight of an egg being cracked…

P. Diddy Lover: Hey, man this pretty good. What did you say you called this? What else can you make?

The Vodka Abolitionist: See there’s a reason why JLo left him, and before you ask, no, I can’t change the music only your understanding of drinks. Let me show something else…

Hey, a bartender can dream can’t he? Alright, I think I got my monthly vodka rant out of my system. I feel much better and can now be a little more objective and fair. Yes, vodka does serve a purpose, and I always have some in my house. I prefer to buy Tito’s because I like to support micro-distilleries, but I generally use it as a preservative for syrups or turn it into a liqueur or infusion, knowing that I am still getting ripped off by paying this much for vodka and using it for these purposes. Additionally, I think some good flavored vodkas are made, namely Van Gogh makes some quality flavored vodkas in my opinion. I really like the Double Espresso. Finally, if you want to drink a “vodka” made from grapes (which isn’t a vodka in my opinion, it’s an eau di vie) because you enjoy what actually is a noticeable difference in this variety of “vodka”, try Roth Vodka. It is a better “grape vodka” and, if you live in the states, is cheaper than Ciroc because it is made domestically from Napa Valley grapes. However, none of these less-harsh comments about vodka really changes anything. I am sticking to my claims that vodka sucks, and I would like to bartend somewhere that didn’t serve it.

Sorry Diddy.

 

Note: I will embrace the title “The Vodka Abolitionist” should you see it necessary to refer to me as such in the future.

Tito’s Vodka

It is ironic that the spirit that varies the least in quality has become the focus of the most debate about superiority. Vodka remains the dominating elixir of choice because of versatility and mixing potential; however, this widespread appeal is attributable to its fundamental definition as an odorless and tasteless spirit. While no vodka obtains a complete blank tasting and aromatic profile, the difference between vodkas is usually indiscernible. Over the past years, some brands such as Ciroc and Napa Valley’s Roth have pushed the boundaries of the vodka definition creating spirits with a more distinct flavor profile derived from the distillation of grapes. Not only do the lines between vodka and eau de vie seem to be blurring, other vodkas are being produced from beets, rice, and just about anything that can be used to create alcohol. Recently, the European Union debated the definition of vodka and decided that vodkas made from alternative sources, or those outside of the more traditional grain and potatoes, should clearly state their composition on their labels. In short, after days of debating, the EU settled on a resolution that will change nothing about the vodka industry.

Vodkas that are produced from obscure sources want nothing more than for you to know that they are “the world’s first vodka distilled from bananas harvested by trained spider monkeys and distilled 44.14159 times before being hand bottled”. The vodka company needs to stress that its vodka is made from a different product so that it can distinguish itself in an already overcrowded market. Basically, the EU laws enforce a practice that is already vital to each brands success. So, why the EU’s debate about vodka?

Two reasons. First, much like American politicians (but to a slightly lesser degree), avoiding important issues is a vital political tactic that prevents discussing real global problems and the consequences of unpopular decisions. Vodka shouldn’t anger that many people; addressing the situation in Iraq is usually going to inspire some emotional discussion - too bad vodka can’t be made from oil. Second, the vodka industry carries a lot of financial weight. Requiring that all vodkas be made from grains potentially eliminates a vast group of competitors from the market. While the new regulations seemingly distinguish traditional vodkas, the reality is that the presence of the term vodka is all that matters to a brand because it grants access to the vodka consumer.

With such a large selection, choosing a vodka seems like a daunting task. Facing an endless collection of impressive bottles and fancy graphics, how can one not feel like Indiana Jones standing in front of a hundred cups trying to choose a holy grail which will help to heal his father and defeat the Nazis? If you feel this way, just do what our hero does, make a wise choice and select the vodka that looks the least attractive. It would be hard not to choose Tito’s. A plain brown label and relatively unattractive design represents the micro-distillery’s Texas charm. Tito’s is made from grain and distilled six times, meaning the vodka used additional distillations to improve the smoothness of the vodka while minimizing any taste or odor. In short, it is a well-made vodka that should satisfy any need for the white spirit.

While some vodka brand loyalists would argue that other brands are more premium, even debating this issue is more trouble than it is worth. I don’t care that Jean Marco XO is distilled 9 times. I would bet money that you could hardly distinguish between a Jean Marco bottle bought at the store and one that had not been put through the final 3 distillations. While additional distillations help to improve the quality of the vodka, at a certain point the process becomes pointless and indiscernible. Again, the only reason for the high number of distillations is because of marketability. Now, I am not saying that there aren’t differences between vodkas or even that the spirit cannot and should not be appreciated independently. However, the fact that mainstream consumers of spirits spend more time debating the quality and tastes of vodkas more than any other spirit is sad.

It is true that some vodkas taste differently than others, but in most cocktails, the difference is impossible to detect. Some would argue that they enjoy drinking vodka neat or on the rocks. Why? If you are going to sit down with a spirit and drink it independently, why would you choose one that has very little to offer? Few people realize that the most influential element affecting the taste of vodka is the water added to cut the proof of the spirit. Better water results in a better vodka, but again, most producers use high quality water which eliminates any major differences between brands. Nevertheless, brands like Skyy base their argument for superiority on the quality of their water. Maybe people enjoy appreciating different waters, but I will stick to spirits that are much more enjoyable. You drink your “Russian” vodka which is actually made outside of the steel curtain, and I’ll stick to my Laphroaig 15.

However, despite my position, I do feel that selecting a vodka brand is important and should be carefully considered. Few people realize the ongoing problems caused by the purchasing of Russian vodka companies such as Stoli following the collapse of the Soviet Union (please read my post on the Russian vodka epidemic for more information). Additionally, the enormous demand of vodka creates an massive demand for grain and other crops, often resulting in the use of harmful, non-natural substances in farming. Most vodkas are also owned by large spirits corporations which continue to negate the diversity and creativity of the industry. Considering each of these issues should influence the vodka that you do choose to purchase. I like Tito’s because I am from Texas, know people who are friends with Tito, and feel that supporting local micro-distilleries is important.

You should select a vodka for reasons that you feel are important. If you would like to support the micro-distillery movement, a couple of my favorites are Tito’s and North Shore. If you want to go organic, more and more options are popping up everyday it seems; one such brand is Liquid Ice. If you enjoy the mystique of a traditional Russian vodka, make sure that you are aware of the thousands of Russians that die every year because of the market appeal of brands like Stoli. Considering these issues reveals that the difference between brands results from what is outside of the bottle, not within. It can be easy to forget about the consequences of our purchases. Avoiding low-end brands will help to improve your cocktails, but relying on Grey Goose to make a great drink for you is an ineffective approach. Vodka is generally odorless and tasteless and falling into the super-premium marketing trap will continue to separate groups of people more than your cocktails.

Wokka Saki & The World’s Wedding Cocktail

As I had discussed previously, I am an enormous fan of Wokka Saki. If you are unfamiliar with the spirit, it is a relatively new type of flavored vodka that merges vodka and sake together. While most flavored vodkas are enhanced with specific fruits or other components, Wokka Saki’s incorporation of sake allows for the distinct essences to transcend into the blended spirit, creating a flavored vodka with unparalleled complexity more similar to a very lightly flavored gin. While exquisite on the rocks, Wokka Saki has become a popular choice among mixologists. Last year, Wokka Saki was mixed into the Kenzo Wokkatini by Scott Gemmell to win the Drinks International Cocktail Challenge.

Wokka Saki’s aroma is full of nectarines and some peaches, though unlike most who have reviewed this product, I find the nectarine to be dominant. On the palate, Wokka Saki mellows the expected bite of the vodka well, which based on the strong alcohol aroma is unexpected. This allows for the grainy flavors of the vodka to emerge. The fruit aromas are also reinforced on the palate, but in a subtle way which distinguishes Wokka Saki from most flavored vodkas, which almost seek to hide the fact that they are still selling vodka. Wokka Saki’s finish is superb, carrying the nectarine and peach flavors throughout.

Wokka Saki’s mixological possibilities are endless. I have had original cocktails which mix everything from X-Rated Fusion Liqueur (beware - not recommended) to vermouth. As with most new cocktail creations, the most prominent problem with Wokka Saki cocktails seems to be the overuse of syrup through candy schnapps or simple syrup. This is a critical error because it defeats the purpose of using Wokka Saki, which as Gary Regan notes in his review is unique because of its ability to acquire flavor without the use of sugared components. Simple syrup has its place in cocktails using Wokka Saki (I even use it in mine), but it needs to be minimal. If using a syrup, experiment with spice flavored syrups (ginger syrup works extremely well) which add an additional dimension to potential Wokka Saki cocktails. Orgeat also is dynamic in cocktails with Wokka Saki. These recommendations should give you a start if you want to experiment yourself.

In creating my own cocktail with Wokka Saki, I wanted to develop a drink that was capable of being mixed with common ingredients and maintained the traditions of classic cocktails. Doing so would require a cocktail that would highlight the characteristics of Wokka Saki. The fundamental principle of mixology maintains that a drink’s the sum is greater than the parts. Wokka Saki sets the bar high, but here is my attempt:

 

The World’s Wedding

2 oz Wokka Saki
.75 oz Cointreau
.5 oz Lemon Juice
3 Dashes Simple Syrup
2 Dashes Bitters

Combine all ingredients and shake well in a shaker. Strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with an orange twist.

 

Continuing the bartender’s tradition of naming drinks for guests who try them first, I named this drink for a couple who are engaged and regularly spend time at my bar, allowing me to experiment and use them as guinea pigs. The combination of vodka and sake in Wokka Saki are promoted as an East meets West approach. This marriage of vodka and sake merges two traditions together, joining the world’s approaches to alcohol creation. The cocktail allows for the properties of the Wokka Saki to be displayed while adding the orange and citrus components of the cocktail. The bitters is most influential midway through the taste, and the cocktail finishes with fruitier components. Hopefully, you will find this cocktail as enjoyable as I do. If you have any feedback, I would love to hear it! If this cocktail doesn’t work for you, just pour Wokka Saki over ice. Pick up a bottle and you will not regret it.

Boris Yeltsin and the Deadly Vodka Crisis

Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died Monday. Boris Yeltsin will be remembered for orchestrating Russia’s transition from communism, but his fondness of vodka will forever be a part of his legacy. While Yeltsin’s admitted alcohol problems provided plenty of comedic opportunities, his impact on the Russian vodka industry has created a crisis in Russia that continues to cripple the country today. A crisis that started with Yeltsin selling the Russian soul to Pernod-Ricard, one of a few company that continue to collect independent spirit producers like Soviet paraphernalia. Yeltsin died of heart failure, but his elixir of choice continues to devastate the people of his country daily.

To begin, Yeltsin’s favorite vodka was reportedly Stolichnaya, but Yeltsin chose to share his prefered vodka and 42 other brands. In 1992, Yeltsin led a governmental effort which freed the vodka industry from state distribution restrictions. Unfortunately, this early act against communist ideology led to skyrocketing consumption because of the availability of numerous affordable vodkas. Amid decreased regulation, thousands of Russians died from inferior, formerly bootleg, vodkas, and the looming problem of alcoholism threatened the fragile economy.

Recognizing this problem, the Russian government was forced to begin regulating vodka production and importation. Unfortunately, the bootleg market emerged greater than ever, creating a wave of health risks that has poisoned the Russian populace since the mid-1990s. Last November, the Russian government was even forced to declare a state of emergency in several regions because of hospitals inability to handle the large waves of individuals consuming contaminated vodka. To quantify the problem, the Russian government estimates that 42,000 Russian die from inferior vodkas every year! This situation represents the greatest threat to Russia’s future at a time when the country is expected to lose nearly a third of its population by 2050. While part of this problem is related to the fact that abortions exceed births 13 to 10, the leading cause of death in Russia remains alcohol poisoning.

So why don’t Russians just stop drinking vodka right? Uhm…because they’re Russians.

Russians drink vodka like Italians drink wine. Even the Russian military is given a ration of two shots of vodka a day. Stopping the consumption of vodka simply isn’t a possibility; unfortunately, Russia cannot simply reverse the 1992 disaster of vodka deregulation. This unexpected development occurred because during the reforms, the Russian government sold Stoli along with over 40 other companies to SPI, a partner to the massive corporation Pernod-Ricard. The price was only $300,000, less than the combined cost that Stoli spent on its Blueberry Vodka ad campaign! Russia tried to stake claim to the companies, but has been unable to find any loopholes in the legal agreements. Instead, Stoli and other companies are allowed to distill their product in Russia, but internationally distributed bottles must bottle outside of the country (now Latvia), a sort of punishment for disloyalty.

Other companies have begun to produce vodka in Russia with government support, but they are focused on the international market, not domestic consumers. These companies include Russian Standard, who produces Imperia. Vodka companies that do focus on the Russian market can be found mostly in Ukraine, and these companies frequently confront poor cooperation from the Russian government and still do not represent a cost-effective alternative to the bootleg vodkas being consumed by the poorer citizens of Russia.

Normally, I would begin discussing some activist solution to help save the Russian people from these horrible vodkas, but to be honest, no solution appears in sight. Contaminated vodkas killed thousands of Russians during the period of deregulation and through bootlegging so potential government regulation shifts seem hopeless. We could blame Pernod-Ricard for taking the only affordable vodka sources from Russian, but $300,000 for Stoli and 42 other companies was a steal anybody would have taken. Additionally, the Russian government continues to disrupt any attempts made by these companies to return vodkas like Stoli to the everyday Russian.

Instead, the Russian government needs to promote cheap, domestic production to ensure the safety of its citizens. Russian governmental support has focused on companies like Russian Standard, but their focus on the international market does nothing for Russians. Assistance to Russian companies focused on international distribution and those that would be targeting a domestic consumer are not mutually exclusive, a fact that needs to be realized by the Russian government.

Reflecting on these issues, I feel almost compelled to purchase alternative vodkas with less deadly histories, but doing so would only further harm the Russian populace by adversely affecting Russian jobs at companies like Stoli. Remember, even though these companies no longer target the Russian populace as a customer base, the citizenry remains as a valuable source of employees. In a country with already low job potential, disrupting even the smallest sources for employment is anything but beneficial.

Mankind’s greatest tragedies are the most incomprehensible. The vodka epidemic devastating Russia is one of the saddest because of the complex oppositions between monetary pursuits and human life or culture and the risks of vodka consumption. In such situations, the most viable alternative for those of us fortunate enough to be outside of the crisis is to gather what lessons exist.

This situation serves as warning about the effects that large corporations can have on the alcohol industry. Pernod-Ricard could not have predicted the implications of its takeover, and future purchases are unlikely to have any remotely similar results. But, there is something to be said for supporting the smaller, independent company to avoid disrupting the demand and cultural practices of where our spirits come from. One needs to only look south of the border (or south in this blog if you want to read my article on the tequila industry) to find other examples of how corporate takeovers and American demand can have detrimental results.

Also, the next time you drink your Russian vodka, consider the privileged opportunity that rests in your glass. Unlike those focused on smoothness through repetitive distillation, Russia vodka has always carried a certain burn and harshness, which while providing a preferable, distinct flavor, now exhibits a symbolic memorial. Yeltsin always appreciated his.

References

-Canbera Times. (2006, Nov. 19). Cheap ‘vodka’ poisons thousands of Russians.
-Rosenberg, M. (2006, May 31). Population decline in Russia. http://geography.about.com/od/obtainpopulationdata/a/russiapop.htm
-Ryan, R. (2006, Nov. 24). From Russia with Love? Financial Times. http://www.ft.com